I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
