Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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