he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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