LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
