I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
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