dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
