She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
No subtext here. People are naked.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
not ubering you a puppy
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
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