The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize