He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
