i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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