can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
