If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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