New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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