i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I'm like, not good at living.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
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