I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
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