that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
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