"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
This is classic penis vs brain.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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