Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
