On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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