I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
