I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
