just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
