The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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