I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Randomize
