Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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