i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
