Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Randomize
