There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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