Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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