and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
