My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
