i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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