if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
