Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
