I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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