based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
