he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
