I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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