The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
