he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize