I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize