The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
