i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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