Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
