I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
i drank out of a bidet.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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