I need help removing her.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
