I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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