so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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