Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
