Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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