I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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