Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
