we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
