I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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