dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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