I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
