i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize