Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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