I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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