I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
