Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
