I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
