It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
