when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
