You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
This toilet bowl is my home.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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