I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
