my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
