just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I just found a bag of teeth...
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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