If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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